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Returning To Work: Part II

Continued

The first question is very brief and to the point. It is, "What have you lost?" You may say that the answer to that one is obvious and your answer is, "My Dad died." Though that is correct, it is far from complete. If we were talking about this in person, I would encourage you to list all of the many things your Dad meant to you. For example, "The person who I could talk to about anything died"; or "The person who told the greatest jokes died"; or "Tthe man I admired more than anyone else died." To fully answer this question I would encourage you to start a journal and at the top of the first page write the question, "What have I lost?" Then leave several pages for your responses. Some things that your Dad was to you perhaps have not even come to your attention yet, and as these things do come to your mind it is important to write them down.

After you have spent time with that question, (and the length of time could be weeks or months,) it is time to focus on the second question: "What do I have left?" No matter how big a part of your life your Dad was, you still have something left now that he is gone. You still have the skills to do your work, you have friends and family, you have special memories of things you did with your Dad. You have a lot left. On a subsequent page of that journal put this question, "What do I have left?" and begin the process of answering it.

It is the third and final question that, in my opinion, gives this perspective on grieving its real strength because it has a future orientation to it. The third question is, "What may still be possible for me?" and it focuses on your life in the years ahead following your Dad's death. It is true that he has died, but your life continues and, who knows, you may even make a change in the future course of your life because of his death. But the key factor is that your life goes on, and you are developing that new "normal" which will define who you are in your new status.

I hope you will spend some time working through these questions and that they are beneficial to you.

Best wishes,
Paul

Paul V. Johnson, MA, is a consultant and trainer for business, industry, and educational institutions on issues related to loss and grief. He was formerly an Associate Professor of Sociology at Bethel College(MN) and Director of Aftercare Services for the Bradshaw Funeral Homes in the Twin Cities area. He has made presentations at the national conferences of major professional caregiving associations and is a member of the Association for Death Education and Counseling.